Blue’s blog

I want to go to that place
Without struggle
Misunderstanding
Lacking nothing

I want to go to that place
Without expectations
Arguments
Nobody right or wrong

I want to go to that place
Feeling peace
Expressive and creative
Humbled
Just to be

I want to go to that place
Free from pressures
Moments not wasted
Words articulated
Desires fulfilled

I want to go to that place

In the late night hours

Long past the curfews

And prime time shows

They surface

The thoughts

The feelings

The memories

I've managed to suppress 

All day long

That's when their grasp

Is stronger

Encompassing my being

Strangling my heart

That's when I no longer

Have the strength

Or presence of mind

To hide them

In the darkness

I lay there

Tossing

Thinking

Feeling

Remembering

Wishing

Praying

Tonight is no different

Than the one before

Only it hurts worse

And seems farther away

What are you certain of?
What moves you?
What would you fight for?
Would you show me the real you?
Would you lie to me to make me feel better?
Would you admit that you can't fix it?
Would you let me be there for you?
Would you tell me what it is that makes you scared?
Would you allow yourself to be happy?
Would you love me?
Would you be willing to learn?
Would you try?

inevitably
change happens
whether we want it
or welcome it
or fight it
there is no choice but to accept it
even the things I don't like
I accept

the good news
is that change can be positive
change can have an impact
on you
on me

change can help you become
who you are supposed to be

I'm being molded
it's scary
but I won't quit
on me

In my morning walks

I search for clarity and understanding

But they evade me

Like a game of cat and mouse

As I get one step closer

They get four steps farther away

The breeze is so brisk

And I wonder

Is that one or the other of them

And it stops blowing

Informing me that they have gotten away again

I say good morning to strangers

Asking myself

Could that be them

But they don't respond

And I somehow know it's not

Sometimes I fear 

Crossing the intersection

As I might be run over

By clarity or understanding

In the form of a semi truck

Often times I seek peace

But she likes to play hide and seek

No matter how many times I count to ten

She never shows herself

I never know where she is hiding

Hope always shows up

In some form of nature

The most beautiful blue sky

Or leaves like I have never seen before

Or flowers blooming in winter time

Sometimes I look away from hope

Because even though she is there

I don't have her in my grasp

And I don't know

If everything will be okay

But I still can't find them

Clarity and understanding

I search high and low

On different paths

And they still evade me

Those two words haunt me

They mention it so much in my classes

That I have come to loathe them

But

It's true

We are all in some sort of process

Of becoming

Of being

Of learning

Of growing

Of something

We never stop right here

In this moment

Thank goodness

Breathe

Embrace it

Endure the process

With joy

We will make it

Through the tests

Through the lessons

Through the triumphs

Believe